Days 25-28: Confusion, Sadness, and a Dash of Happiness

Posted on March 21, 2013 at 3:50 PM

Every now and then, the universe decides to throw a obstacle at you. For stars and galaxies, those could be other stars or galaxies. Or meteors. Or black holes. As a human, we have it easier...sometimes. Sure there is the speeding car that tries to kill you, the rabid squirrel that decides to maul your face to shreds, and the occasional kick to the crotch. Over the past few days, nothing that severe has occured physically, but on an emotional scale the universe dropped an atomic bomb on me. Explorers, I write to you as a weary traveler, and I think I left my compass at camp because I am very lost currently.

Monday was probably the best out of every day thus far. I got to relax knowing Stuart was home and we were talking again. Things were returning to normal, and it was yet another day to Spring Break. Working in the Learning Commons was going well, even though I got my second offense for being late. Classes were easy too on Monday, which is surprising. I ended up very pleased with the beginning of the week, and Stuart even commented I sounded much happier in my texts. I thought that trend would continue.

But I was so wrong on that assumption.

Tuesday started well. I skipped chemistry with my friends and we hung out, and I advanced further on another piano piece I am learning. The day progressed to choir, where sadly we did not work on my favorite song, but we still pushed ahead with other material. I finished CSC107 homework on time that night, and I am preparing slowly for a chemistry exam on Friday. As I was online with Staurt, I saw the message box pop open on Facebook. It was a friend from choir. Telling me the most devastating news, my choral director is leaving. She accepted a position at her alma mater, and we will not be having her come next year. I didn't know what to do. What was I to think? Was I to be angry? How could she just up and leave us?! I only knew her for a year, and she has had such an impact on my life and my pursuit to continue choir at all costs.

But now...she will be gone. This presented another problem for me, without her, I am very unsettled by the succes the choral program may have in the comnig years. Her caliber and skill in the arts is amazing, and the shoes I feel are too big to be filled by another professor. I have considered a transfer to Northland (I may not have told you all this) but not just because Staurt will be attending the campus, but for many other reasons. What was the one thing that kept me tied to Carroll? The choral program...and my choral professor. Without her, there is nothing here for me.

I cried. I cried...and cried. Friends, over the course of my life I have been taught to never cry, that it is a sign of weakness and that you have lost yourself. I have learned to turn off emotions and be completely numb to surrounding environments. For the past few years every arguement or situation that should have caused me to almost tear up I haven't. I could not cry for Stuart in his worst moments, and I looked like I didn't have a soul in other instances because I couldn't cry. But tonight, I bawled my eyes out. Why? How could one class, one person, make such a impact on me that I completely broke down? Stuart called, and I could barely utter a single word into the reciever. I was broken, and lost. Where do I belong now? What should I do? Northland ideas were ringing in my head and practically screaming. I had to go to bed. I cried to sleep.

Wednesdays....aren't they suppossed to be relaxing? I fell asleep the night prior too late, so I skipepd calc. Coming to chorale it was very somber because word travels fast. The class was very easy, our professor took it easy on us by letting us choose what and how we wanted to practice on pieces. Afterwards, I cried again in front of my friends. Never have I done that before....not in years. The rest of the day was spent in the library, either at work or up on the computer looking at Northland and their opportunities. When would I transfer? Why am I thinking of this? What is the financial aspect of this? I ended up emailing admissions. I wait still for a reply.

Stuart and I also talked, and he helped me formulate a list of why I don't want to go the Northland, and I actually have a pretty extensive list of reasons why not to go there. I still need to make a campus visit to see why I like Northland (and not just because Stuart will be there). I also need to see why I am unwelcomed at Carroll, and what Carroll has to offer me. Stuart I am sure has bias in my decision, but he has made a huge committment to keep that hidden and pretend unbiased. I know he wishes for me to be happy, but also I am sure he wishes for me to be there with him. It'd be so much easier, and I would eventually come to love the campus...I think.

We also had elections for Q&A (college GSA) that night. I won presidency thanks to the votes of my friends and fellow peers. I will lead the club next year, and I am very hopeful for the future of this organization. We have an amazing executive board, and my friend Ashley is treasurer with me! I can not wait. Today was the day my choral professor was to announce her decision to resign to the entire concert choir group. I slowly made my way from class to class knowing I would end my day in sadness. Sitting in the class, made me realize how much choir has impacted me thus far into my college career. I honestly would hate to transfer to Northland because they have a shitty choir program compared to ours. My professor eloquently stated her reasons to leave and how, "...I would rather be homeless and hungry than regretting this opportunity. It is not everyday when you are my age that a chance to strive comes along, and I felt that I needed to make this jump." The words rang in my head, because should I myself make that jump in transferring?

Then other students spoke, and my friend said, "The success of the choir is partly because of you, but also because of the choir members themselves. You guys (addressing us), we are like family. I know people are thinking of a transfer, but that will impact the group even more. We need to stick together through this sad tragedy, and together we need to count on each other. Leaving will be detrimental to the program." Great...both of these statements I agree with. This group of friends is like family to me, but what am I suppossed to do? My gut says follow my professors advice and make that leap, but my heart says to not abandon a choir in their hour of friendship and trust. I left very conflicted, and I am still torn in half in my decision.

Either way, I have to stick next year out here. I have too many committments and I am in too many positions for success to not stay. As an Orientation Mentor, as a PAAL, as President of Q&A and SSA, and as a Director of Hall Improvement I have required duties. As a choral member, I at least owe the new professor the decency of testing the waters with us. I owe it to him/her and my choral professor and friends to stay here. Junior year would be my transfer year, and I hope I will be sided one way or other by that deadline. Otherwise, I may be just as lost as I currently am.

Stuart has remained unbiased on issues so far, and I thank him so much for that. Hopefully we can go up north this weekend, just me and him. I need an escape, and I need to get even more lost to make that escape.

Travelers, over the past few days I have noticed that nothing is ever set in stone, and people come and go in cycles. Do not ever become comfortable in thinking people will always be there. I promise you it is never 100% consistent. Enjoy your moments, and be sure to take lessons away from everything you experience, because that experience will only happen once. As you live out your years here on Earth, you will eventually come to a crossroads. This may be a difficult time, but in the end you are the only person to make the correct decision. Trust your brain and your gut. While your heart may often lead, sometimes a gut instinct is a better option. I have not decided which to follow yet, but I hope you have an easier time when the situation arises for you. Earth is massive, and many humans will never take a few steps from their backdoor. Ever chance you get, travel. Every chance you get, explore a new thing. Only then will you have no regrets on your deathbed. Only then, will you be accomplished as a diverse being in the universe.



Categories: My life

Post a Comment


Oops, you forgot something.


The words you entered did not match the given text. Please try again.

Already a member? Sign In