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One Year Later

Posted on May 10, 2013 at 10:40 AM Comments comments (0)

So it finally is complete. One entire year of college. What can I say about this magical experience besides that it was the ride of a lifetime. It all feels like it was just yesterday that I moved onto campus and shoved all of my personal belongings into that small dorm. Meeting my roommate was awkward and I felt that opening up was going to be the hardest thing of my entire life. Finding friends on this small yet expansive campus would be daunting, and lets not even get started on the classes that would be taught by predetermined strict professors that don't help students at all. This all felt like it was yesterday, and now...just a few very short and vivid months later...all of those thoughts have changed.

My dorm became my second life. The one without parental control and guidance. The room that dust collected on the drawers and the tv stand because no one wanted to dust the place. The very room where all of my possessions existed and I had to share it all with a boy that I never even met. This room...was where I think I really did begin to discover myself. I really proved to myself and my parents that I was not the lazy kid they thought I was. I was independent, and I knew very well how to take care of myself. Maybe I should give some credit to them, for teaching me that a high-efficiency washing machine actually requires a SPECIFIC type of soap. I should probably also thank my parents for the countless chores that...although I hated them, taught me how to cook, clean, and maintain a hygienic lifestyle (minus the dusting). But while my parents taught me all of this, I had to figure so much more out.

That included roommate relationships. How was I going to relate to a kid that I never even met before? I had nothing (or so I thought) in common with him and I was not going to just open up and tell him my life story on day one. He wasn’t going to do the same I was sure too. Yet we grew closer, and we ended up becoming really good friends. To give you all a short preview into next year, I am rooming with my roommate again! It is going to be so nice to not have to do the whole process of reintroductions. He knows about my boyfriend, and he is alright about everything. I know about his girlfriend, and I am perfectly fine with her as well. We are a good pair, being lazy and procrastinating till the very last moment. I couldn’t ask for a better roommate.

What is even more amazing are all the friends that I met over the past few months. The bonds I have with all of them are unbreakable and I could not fathom my college experience without them now that they are gone for the summer. Ashley, you are my Asian. We can joke about everything and anything racist and you take so much crap from all of us for being Asian. Yet it’s perfect. Darren, while you’re one awkward kid you really did help ground me and make me think twice sometimes before I said something. Justin and Emma, both of you were crazy and ultimately the partiers of the group. You gave me that outlet of excitement and craziness that I was definitely needing. The immaturity I shared with you two will be missed since both of you are transferring. I wish you both luck for the future, and I really do hope you don’t forget our times we spent together. Peter…oh Peter where do I even begin? You are one unique individual and showed me that even smart people can have fun moments and be immature. I missed that because all my friends back home were like that, and you brought a little bit of home to campus. Lucy, I think you will be the person that I miss the most. Your bubbly personality and happiness was infectious to everyone that came into contact with you. I cannot think of a dull moment with you, and your inner child ran free. You have taught me so much in regards to photography, to how to be a friend, and how to just live life to its fullest. It is all of these memories that make me realize Carroll is a wonderful place…and that only special and certain people attend this school. And I am so happy I didn’t go anywhere else. So freaking happy.

With a roommate and friends to keep my life fun, there had to be the counterweight of academics. Yet even with classwork and studying, it was fun. My Chemistry professor sang Ice Ice Baby when we learned about ICE tables, and after our final exam he played a game of Frisbee with me and fellow classmates. My Cross Cultural Seminar professor worked closely with me throughout the school year to make sure I was ready to become an Orientation Mentor for next year. My English professor and I have frequent coffee chats and just keep each other updated. Lastly, my choir director made me happy every day with her style of teaching and the music we sang. She understood when we had off days, and she was there with words of encouragement when no one else was. She became a friend to us all, and with her departure to University of Illinois, it is no surprise that she will be missed severely by me and other choir members. These people taught me not only knowledge, but also how to become a better person and student overall.

So, college. Some people would claim that it was the worst four years of their life due to all the amounts of stress and work that they had to put into it. Others would say it was their best experience yet in life because of the partying and the fun. For me, this first year can be described as a blend of the both. While I wonder what the rest of my years here at Carroll will be like, I can at least be assured that my freshman year went almost perfectly well. I always try to leave with advice, or something to think about. And tonight, I would have to say that no matter where you go in life, you will always meet amazing people. There are people that will change how you think, how you act, and how you perceive this vast universe around you. You will learn many things, but friendships are going to be the utmost important. These people will keep you sane in your worst moments. These people will be the shoulders to cry on. These people will be your friends years later too. And to me, that is all I could ever ask for. So here is to life, and to the countless adventures you will go on. Keep traveling bloggers, the universe is not waiting. Voyage far and wide, and always…always…take something away from your travels.

Mission Accomplished.


Day 40: Part 2. Back to Campus Life

Posted on April 10, 2013 at 12:40 AM Comments comments (1)

Well, it has been a week and a day since I have arrived back on campus. Number of classes skipped: 5. Am I proud? No. Did I utilize that time for the better? Yes. It definitley has been a struggle to regain momentum to make that final push to the end of the year, but I feel that I have successfully gotten back on MY track and I am ready for this year to be over.

To recap the week prior to now, I honestly can't. Partially because I can not remember what happened, but also because I do not care. Once it happens, it happened. But I do remember my weekend! Friday consisted of many meetings in preparation for moveout procedurs and how Hall Council can help, along with my regular Hall Improvements meeting. I also THOUGHT I had a conference to attend regarding World Affairs Seminar. Unfortunatly I was mistaken and that conference is now next next weekend. So Friday was good, my friends and I went on a midnight Walmart run, and Stuart and I got to talk for awhile as well.

Saturday was fun again. I got to go volunteer at this amazing organization called Feed my Starving Children. There, we repackaged food (rice, soy, veggies, and a nutrient blend) to ship to third world countries! Not only did I get to go with Q&A friends, I also got to witness the power of compassion and care for people we don't even know. Needless to say, my faith in humanity was restored. They were a Christian organization, so at the end they prayed over a box of food. It was kind of...odd to see people praying to a box that it can be guided safely to these children. Um...high-tech GPS positioning systems track the packages across borders, and computer systems at ports document and track shipping containers faster than the human mind. Sorry to say this, but the 99.5% success rate is probably because of that...not a prayer. But to each his own, and trust me...I was truly the outcast by not praying. What really was cool was that they said it was an option, which meant the successfuly recognized there were numerous religions (including atheism) in the crowd. I was pleased leaving there.

Sunday...whoop! Ashley, Lucy, Sondra and I rented the Pruis. Let me stop there and say this. Priuses are amazing cars. They are silent, can offer power when requested, and have the neatest displays for conservation of resources. The interior was amazing, and the trunk for such a small car is massive! It literally was like Mary Poppin's purse! I recommend a Prius to ANYONE that gives an inkling of care to the environment!!!! I literally had 316 miles till I had to fill up the gas tank, and that was BELOW half empty. 

Anyways, we took the Prius and went out to Bayshore, which is a mall complex near me. Needless to say, I had money in my wallet just waiting to be burned. We hit up all the fashion stores, and capped the night off with a fabulous dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. I was very pleased by the service of the restaurant, and thought that was the best part. Holy hell was I wrong. The food there is out of this world, and they aren't called The CHEESECAKE fucking FACTORY for anything. It was so orgasmic I think that is the only time in one sitting three girls and a gay guy can have an oral orgasm at the same time. We all were satisfied enough to laugh at the 101.56 bill like we could've made it bigger. After dinner, a quick bolt up to the top of the parking garage was made to watch the sunset, then we headed back to campus. 

But alas, Mondays come every seven days. Fuck. Calc is a bitch and I have a test this week...wish me luck. I skipped chem and made waffles with Claire and Josh (who are my favorite jackasses). Josh is also my lab partner for Chemistry, and we finished in 45 minutes that day. We were too excited to get the fuck outta there, but we ended up staying and just got the entire lab written up. We still got out first. The day turned for the worse weather wise, and that meant...naptime. YAY! Work was also no complaints about Monday.

Tuesday, today, was another story. All day it rained and today was the day I realized my hair is long...too long. I need a haircut and soon! Hopefully I can get one scheduled with the downtown salon ($15 haircuts...perfect!!). Classes went alright and then I got most of my homework done. But then time for work came. I was getting tired so I set an alarm for 6:40, 6:45, and 6:50 to wake myself up...and I must have turned them all off when they did go off because I ended up sleeping until 7:40. This was my third offense...tomorrow I will be fired. Great...just great. least I will get to speak with Stuart and have him cheer me up. No. Today he was a sack of sadness...and I felt really bad for his current situations. He is stressed and just all over the place emotions wise. I worry...but then again I have to worry about the both of us. Things haven't been the best, just because we haven't talked really at all. These next weekends won't be good either. I guess I just have to deal with it. 

But after everything, sometimes it gets hard to deal with it. Being a boyfriend, you are in a committed relationship that strives for mutal harmony. That includes comforting one another in times of need. Sometimes one can not physically do the comforting, and they just can not verbally either. This has been the issue I think, because really there is nothing I can do for him, and nothing he can do for me. So we just wallow in misery. But when does that have to stop? As a boyfriend, it is also a duty to maintain a healthy and happy relationship. Always worrying will get you nowhere in a relationship, and overanalyzing situations can be just as poisonous to the end result. Therefore, sometimes one has to stop wallowing in his/her misery and accept the fact that life deals a hand of shit sometimes. I guess now is the time to accept this, and strive for happiness. We are limited in time for the next few why complain about everything? 

You may never reach your destination and be thrilled. Sometimes, just getting there is the struggle.  But once you get to wherever you are destined, you have to make the best fo the situation. Even getting there you do! That is what makes life enjoyable I think.

Day 40: Part 1. Northlandia

Posted on April 9, 2013 at 11:20 PM Comments comments (0)

Explorers, before I begin today's blog, let me just say this. Sometimes, life takes detours, or heads into a fog that is so dense you can only see a few feet ahead of you. Other times, spectacular sights are so overwhelming our mind is completely and utterly consumed. Fascinated by the fact that something so brilliant exists. Both of these instances lead us away from the big picture of the universe, and sometimes we forget obligations that we have made to it. This blog was forgotten in the past few weeks and I will be posting less frequently as finals approach, but I apologize for any delays. Sometimes, just is actually okay to be consumed.

However, obligations are debts that must be paid to someone...or to yourself. In my case, most of them are to myself. To eat better, to sleep more, to study (haha), and to maintain a record of my thoughts and actions. This blog is an obligation and a debt to myself. For that, I am sorry for not posting. And...I am not sorry for any promises I could not keep on this blog. One such promise was the vlog that my friend Lucy and I made. It did happen, but a whole 22 minutes of us rambling is quite useless...even though one of my blog entries is probably 22 minutes if spoken. Therefore, I decided to edit the video, which just hasn't happened. I am sorry...maybe someday it will be uploaded.

Well, I guess now it is time to start my blog post.

Today marks the Second Tuesday back from Spring Break. It has been a wild ride, but Spring Break was much needed. I did go up north with Stuart over Spring Break, and while we were up there I did also take a campus visit to Northland. Arriving in Ashland, I was astounded such a...modernized and large town was that far up north. Most towns are very small, and this one was no exception. The Main Street area hosted a variety of grandma/grandpa stores, and some really cool cafes. The Bay was a sight to see, and I can now say I have seen Lake Superior. Ashland is right on the bay, and you have to drive inland to get to Northland. Pulling into the designated spot with my nametag, I was nervous. And this was not a butterflies type of nervousness...oh no no no...this was foaming at the mouth rabies infested bear mauling apart your stomach and various organs nervous. 

Would I like the college? How easy is a transfer? Why is it freezing still? Can I make friends? Can I have oppotunities like the ones at Carroll? All of these questions and more were flying through my head, as if my lower torso was being mauled apart and my head was a violent F5 tornado. We had a few minutes to walk around the campus...and just passing by a few people....they all knew Stuart. I will touch on that later.

The interview started with me asking questions about the programs and financial aid. Basically, I would double major as Secondary Education and Chemistry to complete my degree there. The campus life seems very vibrant in cultural affairs and music, and the dorm life also seems more cooperative in efforts that I deem important as compared to Carroll's campus. However, everything began to change as I took the tour and learned about my future. We toured most of the campus. Dorms are about a quarter smaller than no futon. Piano rooms are practicing. And their auditorium is a mere meeting area compared to Carroll's. I would not be able to study abraod in Korea for university pricing. I also learned that the interviewer was thuroughly mistaken in me being able to 'graduate in four years'. With my credit load, I could be put back a year and a half! Also, I could not compete for a single scholarship as a transfer, instead earnnig a lump sum of money around 12k, which is less than Carroll. 

And the nail in the coffin, their choir program still sucks.

Lastly, I began to see everyone kind of knew...everyone. Especially the gifted, which included my boyfriend. Several times people came up to him to offer congratulations on his scholarship and such. Professors, admissions counselors, and other staff all greeted him. And comment if I am thinking horribly here...but that set me off a bit. If I came here...would I make as big of an impact as he has already made? Would I not be known as Jake and rather as 'Friend of the Scholarship Winner'? I couldn't...and still can't help thinking about that...and it really irritates me. Plus...if everyone knows kind of everything about everyone...would people know about my grades compared to his? My success compared to his? I hate being compared to people....because I am myself. And when someone is better than me, like this truly does suck. 

So now back at Carroll...the question on the table has been...should I stay or should I go? (haha music pun!). I have talked with friends at Northland and they have dispelled some myths I previously had about the college and its workings. If I stayed at Carroll, I feel it would fit me better...but Northland's schedule doesn't correspond nicely to mine. This would make visits hard for Stuart and I. Also, total cost of attendance next year for Carroll is roughly 40k, compared to Northland's 37k. That is of course before the walk on scholarships, but is a big difference.

I will ponder...and maybe I will jump...maybe I won't. Only time will tell. For now though, I shall continue to take things one day at a time and make the most of everything. As explorers we are always being pulled in multiple directions. This world, even in one state, is vast in opportunity. Sometimes we have to stay steadfast in our choices and let them blossom to their full potential. Other times we have to buy that plane ticket, pack that suitcase, and travel to our new life. I am being pulled currently, and I still have time to decide. But I feel no matter what, you will lay on your deathbed and have a mountain of regrets because unfortunatly you can not be in two places at once. Therefore, no matter what you do....try to be happy. Try to make a difference. Try to be yourself and mark your name in the book of the universe. That heartbeat, that right there is purpose. And your obligation at the end of the day is to fulfill your purpose to the best of your abilities.

Days 25-28: Confusion, Sadness, and a Dash of Happiness

Posted on March 21, 2013 at 3:50 PM Comments comments (0)

Every now and then, the universe decides to throw a obstacle at you. For stars and galaxies, those could be other stars or galaxies. Or meteors. Or black holes. As a human, we have it easier...sometimes. Sure there is the speeding car that tries to kill you, the rabid squirrel that decides to maul your face to shreds, and the occasional kick to the crotch. Over the past few days, nothing that severe has occured physically, but on an emotional scale the universe dropped an atomic bomb on me. Explorers, I write to you as a weary traveler, and I think I left my compass at camp because I am very lost currently.

Monday was probably the best out of every day thus far. I got to relax knowing Stuart was home and we were talking again. Things were returning to normal, and it was yet another day to Spring Break. Working in the Learning Commons was going well, even though I got my second offense for being late. Classes were easy too on Monday, which is surprising. I ended up very pleased with the beginning of the week, and Stuart even commented I sounded much happier in my texts. I thought that trend would continue.

But I was so wrong on that assumption.

Tuesday started well. I skipped chemistry with my friends and we hung out, and I advanced further on another piano piece I am learning. The day progressed to choir, where sadly we did not work on my favorite song, but we still pushed ahead with other material. I finished CSC107 homework on time that night, and I am preparing slowly for a chemistry exam on Friday. As I was online with Staurt, I saw the message box pop open on Facebook. It was a friend from choir. Telling me the most devastating news, my choral director is leaving. She accepted a position at her alma mater, and we will not be having her come next year. I didn't know what to do. What was I to think? Was I to be angry? How could she just up and leave us?! I only knew her for a year, and she has had such an impact on my life and my pursuit to continue choir at all costs.

But now...she will be gone. This presented another problem for me, without her, I am very unsettled by the succes the choral program may have in the comnig years. Her caliber and skill in the arts is amazing, and the shoes I feel are too big to be filled by another professor. I have considered a transfer to Northland (I may not have told you all this) but not just because Staurt will be attending the campus, but for many other reasons. What was the one thing that kept me tied to Carroll? The choral program...and my choral professor. Without her, there is nothing here for me.

I cried. I cried...and cried. Friends, over the course of my life I have been taught to never cry, that it is a sign of weakness and that you have lost yourself. I have learned to turn off emotions and be completely numb to surrounding environments. For the past few years every arguement or situation that should have caused me to almost tear up I haven't. I could not cry for Stuart in his worst moments, and I looked like I didn't have a soul in other instances because I couldn't cry. But tonight, I bawled my eyes out. Why? How could one class, one person, make such a impact on me that I completely broke down? Stuart called, and I could barely utter a single word into the reciever. I was broken, and lost. Where do I belong now? What should I do? Northland ideas were ringing in my head and practically screaming. I had to go to bed. I cried to sleep.

Wednesdays....aren't they suppossed to be relaxing? I fell asleep the night prior too late, so I skipepd calc. Coming to chorale it was very somber because word travels fast. The class was very easy, our professor took it easy on us by letting us choose what and how we wanted to practice on pieces. Afterwards, I cried again in front of my friends. Never have I done that before....not in years. The rest of the day was spent in the library, either at work or up on the computer looking at Northland and their opportunities. When would I transfer? Why am I thinking of this? What is the financial aspect of this? I ended up emailing admissions. I wait still for a reply.

Stuart and I also talked, and he helped me formulate a list of why I don't want to go the Northland, and I actually have a pretty extensive list of reasons why not to go there. I still need to make a campus visit to see why I like Northland (and not just because Stuart will be there). I also need to see why I am unwelcomed at Carroll, and what Carroll has to offer me. Stuart I am sure has bias in my decision, but he has made a huge committment to keep that hidden and pretend unbiased. I know he wishes for me to be happy, but also I am sure he wishes for me to be there with him. It'd be so much easier, and I would eventually come to love the campus...I think.

We also had elections for Q&A (college GSA) that night. I won presidency thanks to the votes of my friends and fellow peers. I will lead the club next year, and I am very hopeful for the future of this organization. We have an amazing executive board, and my friend Ashley is treasurer with me! I can not wait. Today was the day my choral professor was to announce her decision to resign to the entire concert choir group. I slowly made my way from class to class knowing I would end my day in sadness. Sitting in the class, made me realize how much choir has impacted me thus far into my college career. I honestly would hate to transfer to Northland because they have a shitty choir program compared to ours. My professor eloquently stated her reasons to leave and how, "...I would rather be homeless and hungry than regretting this opportunity. It is not everyday when you are my age that a chance to strive comes along, and I felt that I needed to make this jump." The words rang in my head, because should I myself make that jump in transferring?

Then other students spoke, and my friend said, "The success of the choir is partly because of you, but also because of the choir members themselves. You guys (addressing us), we are like family. I know people are thinking of a transfer, but that will impact the group even more. We need to stick together through this sad tragedy, and together we need to count on each other. Leaving will be detrimental to the program." Great...both of these statements I agree with. This group of friends is like family to me, but what am I suppossed to do? My gut says follow my professors advice and make that leap, but my heart says to not abandon a choir in their hour of friendship and trust. I left very conflicted, and I am still torn in half in my decision.

Either way, I have to stick next year out here. I have too many committments and I am in too many positions for success to not stay. As an Orientation Mentor, as a PAAL, as President of Q&A and SSA, and as a Director of Hall Improvement I have required duties. As a choral member, I at least owe the new professor the decency of testing the waters with us. I owe it to him/her and my choral professor and friends to stay here. Junior year would be my transfer year, and I hope I will be sided one way or other by that deadline. Otherwise, I may be just as lost as I currently am.

Stuart has remained unbiased on issues so far, and I thank him so much for that. Hopefully we can go up north this weekend, just me and him. I need an escape, and I need to get even more lost to make that escape.

Travelers, over the past few days I have noticed that nothing is ever set in stone, and people come and go in cycles. Do not ever become comfortable in thinking people will always be there. I promise you it is never 100% consistent. Enjoy your moments, and be sure to take lessons away from everything you experience, because that experience will only happen once. As you live out your years here on Earth, you will eventually come to a crossroads. This may be a difficult time, but in the end you are the only person to make the correct decision. Trust your brain and your gut. While your heart may often lead, sometimes a gut instinct is a better option. I have not decided which to follow yet, but I hope you have an easier time when the situation arises for you. Earth is massive, and many humans will never take a few steps from their backdoor. Ever chance you get, travel. Every chance you get, explore a new thing. Only then will you have no regrets on your deathbed. Only then, will you be accomplished as a diverse being in the universe.



Day 24: A quiet end to a great weekend

Posted on March 17, 2013 at 9:25 PM Comments comments (0)

Pioneers of the Universe!! Today is Sunday, let all be warned! Tomorrow there is a high chance of work, feelings of sleep deprivation, and a longing for the next weekend to arrive. You have been warned, so seek shelter immediately because some people without their coffee are bitches!

Luckily, I am not one of those people! Today was quiet for what it was worth, but again I had fun! I woke up just in time to join my friends for brunch, and it was an enjoyable time too. We talked all about the foam fest to other people that did not go, and I got to review my night in Madison. Thank god a few of the members were not present, for I am sure they would have cast disapproving looks at me for clubbing two days in a row. Well, like I said yesterday, they don't matter because I can dance better haha.

Today was my friend Ashley’s big photography day, and as usual Lucy and I always help her out. Her ideas for this photo project? Awesome balloon pictures, high speed powder photography, and some more creative ideas! She is beginning to spend major bucks on photo shoot equipment, such as the $36 dollar tank of helium for the balloons or the $10 dollars for bubbles and sillystring. I worry sometimes, but the end product looks fantastic!

So we got started pretty early, running around campus and taking photos. I got to snap a few photos on my digital and I will hopefully upload them soon! The photo shoot went late into the night, and by the end of the day she almost had everything complete.

Stuart began the long drive home today from his big win at Northland. It has been over a week since I actually got to relax and talk with him. We both have been busy, and this weekend was a separate weekend for both of us. He texted of how much he missed me, which is always nice to hear. And I have missed him dearly too, and I can’t wait for spring break because I know it’ll just be him and I and nothing else will matter…hopefully. What he did mention is the pain he feels when we aren’t together for a period of time, and I am starting to worry already. I hoped he wouldn’t know the true effects of a long-distance relationship till he was well off in college with everything possible to distract him. But unfortunately its starting to become evident.

For those of you who aren’t in a long-distance relationship, kudos to you.For those of you who are, I understand your positions, and I totally give you mad props for actually doing the almost impossible. Long-distance sucks to put it flatly. You have limited times to see your significant other, you often miss holidays with them as teenagers (like us), and it is hard when things get rough in daily life because you don’t really have someone to hug or just lay around with. We can always try our hardest, but there are many times when it becomes almost unbearable. It led to the demise of my last relationship, and soon Stuart and I will be seperated by that same driving distance. Does it make me worry? A lot...because I know how far it is, and I know how little we'll get to see each other. Do I think we can make it? Yes, I am hopeful. I have no reason to doubt that we can make it besides a comparison to my last relationship, and I think this one will pull through.

Either way, I get to have him all to myself soon, and that is what matters most right? I think so. Time to end this early tonight, I need to actualyl start picking up my grades and getting back on track so that means an early night. Keep your eyes open explorers for those extra paths that might lead to fantastic discoveries, and along the way have fun! Don't ever let other people or other things weigh you down, your happiness means so much more.

Day 23: A late start, a big surprise, and a getaway from life

Posted on March 17, 2013 at 5:50 AM Comments comments (0)

Hello explorers! After much waking up and a lot of destressing the weekend has arrived at last. I woke up today at an eye-opening 3:30pm! And Let me tell you how amazing that felt about being up the night before till 4:00am! The rest was much needed, and really what else was I to do? Most of my friends have been bogged down with physics and biology homework, and Stuart is up at his university for scholarships which I will touch on later. Either way I would have been bored, so why not just sleep in...really...really....late.


Once I did decide to drag myself out of the warm confines of my bed, I got ready for the day and just had a relaxing time. The effects of the foam partyhad not yet worn off and I was still feeling...soapy...all over myself. Ewwww! Well a shower definitely helped with that. My TOMs though aren't so lucky, and are currently drying into a crusty soapy mess. I definitely made note to wash them thoroughly over spring break.


I finally came out of the dorms around 6 to grab dinner with friends, when I got an amazing text. A couple of other friends were going to Madison! To club! Again! What could I possibly do except immediately accept the invitation. I mean, it is not every day you have a shitty week of epic proportions that ends in a foam fest. But a weekend that starts off with clubbing in Madison?! I was too excited! We would leave around 8:45pm, and god only knows how late we would get back.


Well, we left and started the hour trek to Madison to Plan B, one of the popular gay clubs there. About halfway through our drive I get a phone call from Stuart. He called to tell me he won a full tuition scholarship to Northland,and on top of every other grant and scholarship he has been winning he will be attending Northland for four years practically free. He has worked so hard for this and I truly am excited for him, even when I don't often portray it. Academics is touchy for me, and maybe I am just pissed off, in denial, jealous,degraded, or a mixture of all of the above for the way university systems awards money, or how I never got a single scholarship, or how I just never had an inkling of what academics really meant. More for another day to talk about. At the end of the matter what...I am proud for him. He went to celebrate and drink a bit with his parents and we continued our drive.


Walking into the club the bar was in full swing with early St. Patrick's Day partiers. Being all under 21, we migrated to the dance floor and spent the next four and a half hours dancing, meeting new people, and watching two amazing drag queens and a KICK-ASS drag king perform to amazing music. After we left and grabbed McDonalds the car ride home was quiet. We were tired, yet happy. And I was totally at ease. Never had I had so much fun within a two day time span before, and this was still only Saturday!


I don't have much to talk about tonight. I could rant and talk about education and just pour all my feels out into this blog, but I know people that read this would look down upon me. So I am sorry explorers, but some thoughts just got to stay to myself. In the end, I am always proud and always happy for everyone’s accomplishments, and I think I need to start listing mine too. I may be paying a shit ton of money without any help for it, and I may not understand academics and stuff as well as others causing grades to suffer, but I believe somewhere there are accomplishments. Tonight? Hmm...I can probably dance better than all of those bookworms. I guess that is a minor accomplishment!


Keep traveling and always don't give up. You as a human bring so much to the world, and while you (like me) may often forget that you are not worth a dime, you are thoroughly mistaken. Not everyone is cut out for academic life, but some become the greatest educators. Some never even make it out of school, yet change the world. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and try not to worry. You have the power to do great things, and it'll all come eventually.


Day 22: Friday, end to a horrible week, beginning of a great weekend.

Posted on March 16, 2013 at 4:50 PM Comments comments (0)

Hello blog travelers! Today I am beginning to pick up and remember the remnants of my Friday, which at the end was perfect. For those of you that believe that Fridays are a good day all around, think again. These past 5 days were complete shit, and Friday was the climax of it all. Luckily though, I am waking up at 3:30pm on Saturday to bring you all the details of my not so amazing life!


So let’s begin with calculus, obviously. I have been stressing out about the test that was today for the past two weeks. It has put a damper on my overall mood, my relationship with friends and Stuart, and on my ability to remember tasks and other classes. Finally, today was the day I had dreaded for so long about. I got in and started. The first problem was a logarithmic differentiation problem (I know, it’s a mouthful). I beasted that problem and moved on. Next was implicit differentiation...wait a second! That was last test! My teacher put it back on this needless to say everyone struggled on those two problems. After that I came to a linearization problem, which I think I completed half right. The best of all beasts came next, when I got my related rates of change problem. It involved the volume of a cylinder (who the hell remembers that equation!?) and the flow rate of a faucet filling the cylinder up. I realized how little I knew at this moment, and left it blank sacrificing a whole 20 points. Two more problems that I didn't understand fully, and I turned it in.


I am expecting a D.


Bleh, walking out dejected and depressed I bought the largest hot chocolate the coffee shop sold and ended up scalding my tongue. Umm...ow? I also got an email from my boss about me missing work by 10 minutes the night before. I have my second violation, a third one results in me being fired. Great....just great. Not to mention it’s raining at this point.. Politics was nice because half the professor's lesson didn't work so we got out early. Then I showered, had chemistry which is always fun, and choir. Dr. Boerger was out so we had an assistant professor, and I really do not like all. Choir was not enjoyable today.


Afterwards, I met with my friend Ashley to do photography. But going back to my dorm quick I was almost hit by a car. WHAT THE HELL? I cannot catch a break at ALL today. The car practically sped up the hill to try and kill me....all 93.5 lbs of me. Ughhh. UGHH!!! I was quickly beginning to hate today. After photography I rushed to complete some late homework for education, turned that into my professor, and then realized what time it was.


It was 4:30. SHIT! I missed my Hall Council meeting. I haven't missed one yet and I am letting them down by not attending these meetings. I felt like complete crap at this point and just wanted to sleep....but no dinner was coming. Dinner had a great surprise too. But you will have to wait for that till later. My friend Lucy and I are going to vlog for you guys today! So stay tuned!!


Day 21: Thursdays are hard fought for

Posted on March 15, 2013 at 12:55 AM Comments comments (0)

Hello curious wanderers. Ever have those days that you wish did not exist, like…at all? Yeah, today was one of those days and at the end of the day I could certainly use a hug. If Main Lawn was the battleground of my mind, it would be covered in blood. Hard fought and well earned, the victors walk away, leaving their fallen comrades in the frozen grass. The enemy, Laziness, Procrastination, and Low Self-Esteem, have retreated. They wait to regroup and fight another day. I have won, if only for now.

Today consisted of a whole lot of schedule changing, and frantic completion of homework. I ended up skipping both my politics class and chemistry class to get help in the math center on the chapters that we’ll be tested on tomorrow. Let me just say I understand two out of the five chapters…eek!! Well I got to take a little break from the frantic world of stress in choir, where we rehearsed really well today!

Now back to studying hardcore. Trekking back to the library I got one education assignment done (there were more but I’ll explain that later). I finished my chemistry homework and I went to work. Work went easy and then quickly I moved onto dinner, in which there was decent food! So that a definite plus to my day. Education class came though, and that is where it all goes downhill.

Walking in, I was late…again. I still haven’t mastered timing for that class but I don’t think my professor really cares. Our assignment due today was a poem, describing our teaching style and what we think about our futures as educators. I wrote mine and turned it in. But two more assignments were due, a current event and another worksheet. I asked for an extension of one day for both, and my professor stated both were a ‘well you do it or you don’t’ assignment. I already missed one of those earlier in the year, so needless to say I felt crushed. This week has put tremendous stress one me due to math and registration and friends, and this is not something I needed to hear.

After class I began to think. I missed those two assignments; and I missed a chemistry quiz worth 8 points online (they are very secretive, I rarely know exactly when they are posted). I also missed politics class and chem class today. Calc has been whooping my ass. I am sucking hardcore grade wise (I am also REALLY hard on myself when it comes to grading). I am failing chemistry lab still. I haven’t caught up today with Q&A emailing, and I have been slacking on my blog. Wow…talk about a mouthful.

Plus to top it all off, my boyfriend is out of town. Well…he is always ‘out of town’ but seriously today he is going to Northland for a scholarship competition (remember the full tuition one I told you all about?). It just reminds me how far away he will be next year, and how much of a struggle long-distance relationships truly are. Not many people (including himself) understand what it is like to be apart….practically months at a time. And to see others hugging, being themselves, and openly displaying affection is really hard because you know you cannot have that. Sure, it makes those moments when you actually see the person even more special, but that is because you RARELY see them. Am I also to blame for this? Yeah…of course.

I chose to go to my university, and he is going to his. Do I want to transfer sometimes because I know it’d be easier? Yes. Do I think Northland may have more waiting for me than my current university? Yes. Do I want to transfer for educational purposes? Maybe. Why don’t I? I’m scared. Truthfully scared. It’s a monetary risk because there is little assistance for transfer students. It is a distance risk because it will be hard not being able to go home on weekends. It is a demographic risk because Northland is in the middle of nowhere practically. But…a very beautiful nowhere. I honestly don’t know where my heart lies on this. With the university I have adored since I set foot here in 2010? Or to a university I only see pictures of and I know my boyfriend is in love with?

So put all those thoughts of college, on top of actual college work. What do you get? Stress…and breakdowns. Today, I cried. I never cry, but today, I cried myself to sleep. I am not one for emotions, and my last boyfriend taught me the art of shutting emotions off. It works a lot, and I find it useful. Today? I couldn’t do it. It is becoming too much and on days like this is overwhelming. Because I fell asleep, I was late to work by 10 minutes. This is my second offense, one more and I am fired. Great…perfect way to end an evening. Crap…I’m starting to tear up as I type. I got to go get rest, tomorrow will be better after math. It sucks to start of shitty, but hell…if it doesn’t start off crappy it has got to end crappy then…right?


Advice? Just…don’t be me. Don’t let things pile up. Don’t let classes run your life like I am. Don’t let distances and numbers and long periods of time without your significant other impact you like they do to me. And most of all, do not care about days like today like I do. Know explorers that in life you will run into massive obstacles and sometimes monsters of the universe that not only will try to hurt you, but will try to drive you to your lowest denominator. And you cannot, for yourself, for me, let them do that. It will get better in the coming days, and you will see that. I need to practice this, and I need to know that even though these days happen, there will be better ones.


Goodnight, I got to try a bit more at math. And then sleep…much needed sleep.

By the way I am going to start posting a song a night for people to enjoy. Tonight:

To Build a Home by The Cinematic Orchestra


Day 20: God...Christ...Holy Hell....why so much?!

Posted on March 14, 2013 at 4:30 PM Comments comments (0)

Hey explorers. So some of us in the world think that it took billions of years for the universe, us, and everything else to evolve and come into fruition as it is today. Others believe a supernatural power came and made the world for his/her pleasure. Well, no matter what your brain conceives to be the reasonable option, my day certainly dealt with both sides of the never-ending argument.


Today is a Wednesday, and usually those are my 'Lets relax and take a nap' days. I go to calc in the morning, come back and shower, then off to Chorale to sing, then back to my dorm for a nap until dinner. Not today however oh no-sir-e (is that how you type it?). After calc it was a mad dash to the dorms to quickly shower because I had PAAL training before chorale. Now, PAAL advisers will work with incoming freshman to help them be acclimated to the University environment and surrounding community. Training went well and after it I ran to the auditorium for an interesting rehearsal.


We received a new song, yay! I love getting new music because it just makes me constantly realize how MUCH music is out there! From Britten to Brahms, to Bach all the way to Schubert, choral literature is amazing. Plus when you move into newer composers like Ola Geijlo and James Bassi you really begin to experience musical wonders. Today we received a piece called Dixit Maria by Hans Leo Hassler (1564-1612). Basically the literally translation from Latin is, "Mary said to the angels: Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it to me according to your word". Now what in the hell does that exactly mean for a secular humanist? Not much...especially because this is totally religious text.


I got this translation out of it though, "Mary said to the angels: Behold me because I am the Queen Bitch of the Lord. I got stuff to do because...yea." Hmm...kind of the same...right? Either way, the song is inLatin so I don't really have to worry about what I am singing about as long asit sounds beautiful in the written text! The piece sounded great, and chorale made progress today.


After chorale I worked on chemistry homework, tried calc only to give up, and then went to dinner around 5:30. I sat with my friends for a few but they had biology lab, so I joined the rest of my friends at a different table.My one friend Peter (birthday Peter) was there, and he is in chorale with me.We were talking about the translation of the music and well, I stated exactly what I thought the translation meant. Queen Bitch and all....apparently that wasn't the right thing to say.


One of the girls at the table immediately pounced on my comment.Waving a finger at me and practically shouting, she scolded me and apparently was infuriated I used 'Mary' and 'Queen Bitch' in the same sentence. This is seriously what religious people get mad about these days? A SECULAR PERSON'S VIEW OF A STORY THAT PROBABLY DID NOT HAPPEN?! REALLY!?!?! I was pissed to say the least. Not only because she so rudely called me out on it, but that she offered no apology for being abrupt and rude. God (punny!) was awkward to say the least afterwards.


Okay, two religious events all in one day? This can't even be possible. I definitely will be writing a tangent article to this under 'My Religious Views' tab. ANYYWAAYYSSSS, after the girl left, I was scolded again! People seem to always talk and rationalize an argument, but in the end they take someone's side. And to be honest, it is never mine. The people that argue it too are always just doing it to get their personal opinion in, which honestly I don't need, at all. It sucks knowing they are ganging up on you, just because you apparently said something wrong to a person that always is condescending to others. I pissed about the situation.


Oh well. After dinner I went and napped for 10 minutes, went to a bowed piano ensemble (If you have never heard of a bowed piano....just searchpiano brothers one direction on'll be much better). The ensemble was...interesting but honestly I could make the same noise with a rusty door handle and a few nails on a chalkboard. Afterwards I ran to a seminar on Atheism and the existence of God...which was presented by a apologetics professor who guessed it...Christian. Oh the irony! He practically stated "Me and my atheist friends argue intellectually, and they won't agree withme and I won't agree with them, but we still argue". Umm....okay? Great to know.


After that was Q&A which was fun! Ashley was there and we chit-chatted about everything that happened today. All in all, it was a rushedWednesday, and a religiously affiliated one at that. Advice for today? Speakyour mind and don't back down to other's opinions. They may be offended, but ifthey are that is because they are insecure in their own beliefs. If you are aChristian, by all means preach the word of YOUR lord and savior of YOURSELF. Iwill do my best to understand where you are coming from, but in the end I won'taccept your opinion. Same goes for you traveler. Speak your opinion, and whileyou do not demand that the opposition accept your opinion, you must demand thatthey at least respect your views, interpretations, etc. They are yours, and they are authentic.


Day 19: Tuesdays are my creative days

Posted on March 14, 2013 at 3:30 PM Comments comments (0)

Hey friends of the universe! Sorry I neglected to post later that Tuesday about my day! It was actaully quite fantastic!

While I can not really remember the in's and out's of my day, it was nice outside. The day began with bright sunshine and pleasant temperatures, but once again it quickly turned around to snow a bit. It seems to be happening more often lately, and I guess that is alright. It really is trying to be like Spring, and hopefully that won't be too far off.

I had work until 10pm which sucks massively in terms of homework. I have been ignoring calc homework for weeks now, and honestly it makes me happy. While I get F's for homework grades, I am less stressed and when I eventually do DO my homework, I understand it and in fact enjoy learnnig more. I hate deadlines, because I feel it puts unesscessary pressure on you, and that obviously deteres you from actaulyl doing potential work that will help. So after work, I went upstairs to find my friend Lucy still in the library. What was she doing? Supossedly work.

Nah, she was on facebook and spotify and other media outlets for procrastination to run its course. Yay, just what I wanted! So I plopped my lazy butt down next to her and logged on. The next twk hours were amazing, we traded music, pictures and just talekd about the rest of the week's plans. But we were quick to realzie that our freind Peter's birthday is Thursday, and we need to celebrate in some fashion!! Well, let me tell you a bit about Peter.

He is a notorious prankster, and likes to joke around about everything under the sun. He likes to read, and is a great singer. But what else? Not how do you give a cool birthday gift to someone like that? Well, we decided to prank him! We are going to buy jello and pour it into straws, to make JELLO WORMS!!! Yeah you heard me, JELLO WORMS!! AHH!!! We also decided to buy him a few books and possibly make him a chill-laxing CD of our greatest recommendations for music.

Well if that doesn't sound like fun I don't know what is, and I hope everything will go according to plan! But for now, off to sleep. No advice today, explroe yourself. Maybe you will eventually be brave and post a comment for me. Or have advice for me. I would like that sometimes!

Goodnight friends, happy travels!