|Posted on April 9, 2013 at 11:20 PM|
Explorers, before I begin today's blog, let me just say this. Sometimes, life takes detours, or heads into a fog that is so dense you can only see a few feet ahead of you. Other times, spectacular sights are so overwhelming our mind is completely and utterly consumed. Fascinated by the fact that something so brilliant exists. Both of these instances lead us away from the big picture of the universe, and sometimes we forget obligations that we have made to it. This blog was forgotten in the past few weeks and I will be posting less frequently as finals approach, but I apologize for any delays. Sometimes, just sometimes...it is actually okay to be consumed.
However, obligations are debts that must be paid to someone...or to yourself. In my case, most of them are to myself. To eat better, to sleep more, to study (haha), and to maintain a record of my thoughts and actions. This blog is an obligation and a debt to myself. For that, I am sorry for not posting. And...I am not sorry for any promises I could not keep on this blog. One such promise was the vlog that my friend Lucy and I made. It did happen, but a whole 22 minutes of us rambling is quite useless...even though one of my blog entries is probably 22 minutes if spoken. Therefore, I decided to edit the video, which just hasn't happened. I am sorry...maybe someday it will be uploaded.
Well, I guess now it is time to start my blog post.
Today marks the Second Tuesday back from Spring Break. It has been a wild ride, but Spring Break was much needed. I did go up north with Stuart over Spring Break, and while we were up there I did also take a campus visit to Northland. Arriving in Ashland, I was astounded such a...modernized and large town was that far up north. Most towns are very small, and this one was no exception. The Main Street area hosted a variety of grandma/grandpa stores, and some really cool cafes. The Bay was a sight to see, and I can now say I have seen Lake Superior. Ashland is right on the bay, and you have to drive inland to get to Northland. Pulling into the designated spot with my nametag, I was nervous. And this was not a butterflies type of nervousness...oh no no no...this was foaming at the mouth rabies infested bear mauling apart your stomach and various organs nervous.
Would I like the college? How easy is a transfer? Why is it freezing still? Can I make friends? Can I have oppotunities like the ones at Carroll? All of these questions and more were flying through my head, as if my lower torso was being mauled apart and my head was a violent F5 tornado. We had a few minutes to walk around the campus...and just passing by a few people....they all knew Stuart. I will touch on that later.
The interview started with me asking questions about the programs and financial aid. Basically, I would double major as Secondary Education and Chemistry to complete my degree there. The campus life seems very vibrant in cultural affairs and music, and the dorm life also seems more cooperative in efforts that I deem important as compared to Carroll's campus. However, everything began to change as I took the tour and learned about my future. We toured most of the campus. Dorms are about a quarter smaller than mine...so no futon. Piano rooms are locked...no practicing. And their auditorium is a mere meeting area compared to Carroll's. I would not be able to study abraod in Korea for university pricing. I also learned that the interviewer was thuroughly mistaken in me being able to 'graduate in four years'. With my credit load, I could be put back a year and a half! Also, I could not compete for a single scholarship as a transfer, instead earnnig a lump sum of money around 12k, which is less than Carroll.
And the nail in the coffin, their choir program still sucks.
Lastly, I began to see everyone kind of knew...everyone. Especially the gifted, which included my boyfriend. Several times people came up to him to offer congratulations on his scholarship and such. Professors, admissions counselors, and other staff all greeted him. And comment if I am thinking horribly here...but that set me off a bit. If I came here...would I make as big of an impact as he has already made? Would I not be known as Jake and rather as 'Friend of the Scholarship Winner'? I couldn't...and still can't help thinking about that...and it really irritates me. Plus...if everyone knows kind of everything about everyone...would people know about my grades compared to his? My success compared to his? I hate being compared to people....because I am myself. And when someone is better than me, like this case....it truly does suck.
So now back at Carroll...the question on the table has been...should I stay or should I go? (haha music pun!). I have talked with friends at Northland and they have dispelled some myths I previously had about the college and its workings. If I stayed at Carroll, I feel it would fit me better...but Northland's schedule doesn't correspond nicely to mine. This would make visits hard for Stuart and I. Also, total cost of attendance next year for Carroll is roughly 40k, compared to Northland's 37k. That is of course before the walk on scholarships, but still...it is a big difference.
I will ponder...and maybe I will jump...maybe I won't. Only time will tell. For now though, I shall continue to take things one day at a time and make the most of everything. As explorers we are always being pulled in multiple directions. This world, even in one state, is vast in opportunity. Sometimes we have to stay steadfast in our choices and let them blossom to their full potential. Other times we have to buy that plane ticket, pack that suitcase, and travel to our new life. I am being pulled currently, and I still have time to decide. But I feel no matter what, you will lay on your deathbed and have a mountain of regrets because unfortunatly you can not be in two places at once. Therefore, no matter what you do....try to be happy. Try to make a difference. Try to be yourself and mark your name in the book of the universe. That heartbeat, that right there is purpose. And your obligation at the end of the day is to fulfill your purpose to the best of your abilities.
Categories: My life