|Posted on March 15, 2013 at 12:55 AM|
Hello curious wanderers. Ever have those days that you wish did not exist, like…at all? Yeah, today was one of those days and at the end of the day I could certainly use a hug. If Main Lawn was the battleground of my mind, it would be covered in blood. Hard fought and well earned, the victors walk away, leaving their fallen comrades in the frozen grass. The enemy, Laziness, Procrastination, and Low Self-Esteem, have retreated. They wait to regroup and fight another day. I have won, if only for now.
Today consisted of a whole lot of schedule changing, and frantic completion of homework. I ended up skipping both my politics class and chemistry class to get help in the math center on the chapters that we’ll be tested on tomorrow. Let me just say I understand two out of the five chapters…eek!! Well I got to take a little break from the frantic world of stress in choir, where we rehearsed really well today!
Now back to studying hardcore. Trekking back to the library I got one education assignment done (there were more but I’ll explain that later). I finished my chemistry homework and I went to work. Work went easy and then quickly I moved onto dinner, in which there was decent food! So that a definite plus to my day. Education class came though, and that is where it all goes downhill.
Walking in, I was late…again. I still haven’t mastered timing for that class but I don’t think my professor really cares. Our assignment due today was a poem, describing our teaching style and what we think about our futures as educators. I wrote mine and turned it in. But two more assignments were due, a current event and another worksheet. I asked for an extension of one day for both, and my professor stated both were a ‘well you do it or you don’t’ assignment. I already missed one of those earlier in the year, so needless to say I felt crushed. This week has put tremendous stress one me due to math and registration and friends, and this is not something I needed to hear.
After class I began to think. I missed those two assignments; and I missed a chemistry quiz worth 8 points online (they are very secretive, I rarely know exactly when they are posted). I also missed politics class and chem class today. Calc has been whooping my ass. I am sucking hardcore grade wise (I am also REALLY hard on myself when it comes to grading). I am failing chemistry lab still. I haven’t caught up today with Q&A emailing, and I have been slacking on my blog. Wow…talk about a mouthful.
Plus to top it all off, my boyfriend is out of town. Well…he is always ‘out of town’ but seriously today he is going to Northland for a scholarship competition (remember the full tuition one I told you all about?). It just reminds me how far away he will be next year, and how much of a struggle long-distance relationships truly are. Not many people (including himself) understand what it is like to be apart….practically months at a time. And to see others hugging, being themselves, and openly displaying affection is really hard because you know you cannot have that. Sure, it makes those moments when you actually see the person even more special, but that is because you RARELY see them. Am I also to blame for this? Yeah…of course.
I chose to go to my university, and he is going to his. Do I want to transfer sometimes because I know it’d be easier? Yes. Do I think Northland may have more waiting for me than my current university? Yes. Do I want to transfer for educational purposes? Maybe. Why don’t I? I’m scared. Truthfully scared. It’s a monetary risk because there is little assistance for transfer students. It is a distance risk because it will be hard not being able to go home on weekends. It is a demographic risk because Northland is in the middle of nowhere practically. But…a very beautiful nowhere. I honestly don’t know where my heart lies on this. With the university I have adored since I set foot here in 2010? Or to a university I only see pictures of and I know my boyfriend is in love with?
So put all those thoughts of college, on top of actual college work. What do you get? Stress…and breakdowns. Today, I cried. I never cry, but today, I cried myself to sleep. I am not one for emotions, and my last boyfriend taught me the art of shutting emotions off. It works a lot, and I find it useful. Today? I couldn’t do it. It is becoming too much and on days like this is overwhelming. Because I fell asleep, I was late to work by 10 minutes. This is my second offense, one more and I am fired. Great…perfect way to end an evening. Crap…I’m starting to tear up as I type. I got to go get rest, tomorrow will be better after math. It sucks to start of shitty, but hell…if it doesn’t start off crappy it has got to end crappy then…right?
Advice? Just…don’t be me. Don’t let things pile up. Don’t let classes run your life like I am. Don’t let distances and numbers and long periods of time without your significant other impact you like they do to me. And most of all, do not care about days like today like I do. Know explorers that in life you will run into massive obstacles and sometimes monsters of the universe that not only will try to hurt you, but will try to drive you to your lowest denominator. And you cannot, for yourself, for me, let them do that. It will get better in the coming days, and you will see that. I need to practice this, and I need to know that even though these days happen, there will be better ones.
Goodnight, I got to try a bit more at math. And then sleep…much needed sleep.
By the way I am going to start posting a song a night for people to enjoy. Tonight:
To Build a Home by The Cinematic Orchestra
Categories: My life